This blog is all about theatre, right? And theatre deals heavily with the expression and manipulation of emotions, both actor and audience. That is kind of how I am tying in this post today.

I am very comfortable discussing mental health with people. I am actually a psychology major so discussing mental health will be an everyday occurrence for me. Unfortunately, it's not as easy to talk about when it is your own. So many people suffer from mental illness but go untreated because they are embarrassed or afraid of what is going on in their head and body. I was like that for some time, I refused medication for some time, but now I want to come in and be an example for anybody suffering out there. I want to make it known that this is something that can and should be discussed comfortably and that help is readily available whenever one becomes comfortable with that fact.

Mental illness is a chemical imbalance in your brain--that's all there is to it. It is not your fault, you are never to blame for what you were born with or developed over time, but you do need to reach out for help. That's that. Help also does not necessarily mean medication. As I stated above, I was heavily against medication for a long time. I would refuse to take it or even lie about taking it to get my family and psychiatrist off my back. Not a good move... To have success in your treatment you have to be honest with all parties involved.

I suffer from severe depressive disorder and severe anxiety (at least that's what they say right now). It effects every single day and I never know exactly how or when it will come about. I haven't been very active with my blog these past two weeks. Or really active with anything for that matter. I've been pushing away family and friends, work and hobbies, and even theatre... The combination of the two diseases I have can be crippling for me and when it hits hard, as it has this month, I become a different person. A person I don't like or know. A person my family and friends have a hard time being around because I'm either so scared of everything and super emotional or I will just sit in silence for hours, expressionless and emotionless.

The greatest impacted aspect of my life is my relationship. Because of my past I have trust issues and abandonment issues and a general relationship anxiety issue. I am so lucky to have a boyfriend who is understanding and loves me through all of this. He has seen me at my worst (three years ago when I wasn't medicated and I was still in denial of my childhood abuse) and at my best (probably about a month and a half ago before my meds started fighting me). These last few weeks have been really hard for us and I almost lost him over my actions that were caused by the chemicals. I would have never forgiven myself if I pushed him away because of these diseases. He is my best friend and I don't know how I would do without him. I wish I could express to him how sorry I am for pushing him away and questioning his intentions. I love the kid more than I ever thought was possible for me. It is possible to find somebody through all of this nonsense, I promise. It wont be easy for either of you but it will be so worth it.

Kevin & I at his junior prom. (Yes I was blonde, don't talk about it) May '13

Kevin and I together for his birthday. April '16

I'm not writing this for my audience to feel bad for me. I am getting the help I need right now and I am determined to find a way to normalize the chemicals in my brain. I am doing what is healthy for me and I am attempting to stand as an example. This isn't something to be ashamed of. It sucks and I hate it and I wish I didn't have to deal with it. But I do. I've accepted that. That's the first step in getting better. If you are questioning or suffering silently, I encourage you at least schedule an appointment with a psychiatric professional. This isn't something that has to ruin your life. Fight back.